My sister Sara gave me the above lion planter pot as a housewarming gift when she learned I’d bought house. I have it in my living room in a place of honor. I am grateful for my sister and her kindness to think to give this to me, and for her stewardship in keeping it safe all of these years. She also gave me the colorful kitchen towels.
I just took the above photo in my driveway. I’d gone to my car and was struck by the view of my new house under the full moon. the light on the porch is my week’s proud accomplishment. It is a solar, motion detector light I installed myself. It has been working perfectly when I return in the evenings from work.
Above is an area in my kitchen just above the refrigerator. As I have been unpacking I have unearthed some special things that have fit here wonderfully. It includes a candle holder from my paternal great grandparents, a tan pot my niece created in her high school, and a dolphin cup a dear cousin made and gave to me. This house already feels like home and I am beyond ecstatic to be here.
The above two flowers are blooming in the yard. Per my mother and the internet (which I now have) the white one is a moonflower. The pink one is morning star. I took this picture in the evening so the morning star is closing. It will open again in the morning.
And one more important note: the chicken returned. She lives across the street and my next door neighbor feeds her. Okay with me! Happy to see her!
The experience of moving in, the outpouring of love and support from friends and family, the housewarming gifts from my brother and sister created a soulful in-depth emotional experience and reflection all week. In the evenings I worked, as usual. In the mornings I set up a household and unpacked. But inside the changes and transitions have been ripe with reflection.
The lion pot my sister gave to me was a great housewarming gift, however, it was also part of my history. I created this pot while taking a pottery class in high school. It was at a time when I was convinced I was going to be a fine artist, and my paintings and sculptures were turning out pretty good.
I don’t remember how my sister ended up with this particular pot. I probably gave it to her if she said she liked it. I saw it in her home through the years, and wondered its fate after decades passed and I didn’t see my sister as much. Old things pass out of life over time and I imagined it was gone until this month when my sister brought it to me.
My parents expressed concern that art would not pay the bills. I was confused how something so soul-enriching could be a wrong life choice.
I grew up being taught and believing my husband would be the ‘bread winner.’ I didn’t see that as a sexist or bad thing. It sounded like a good life supporting and being supported by a best friend while creating a lot of art. So what difference did it make if I was an artist not making much money?
However, the twists and turns of life guided me differently. I ended up in computers as a profession because I had other skills and interests too, and I can say that also benefited my life.
I wasn’t in relationship coming out of college in Colorado, and my family were all moving to different locations, I knew it would fall to me to provide for myself. That seemed daunting for a woman who was raised the way I was.
Both of my parents went straight from their parent’s homes to their married life. If I needed to break the family tradition and stay single, computers did seem a bit more practical at that point than art. I look back on that now, and wonder what would have happened if I did attempt to pursue art. I will never know, but remember my emotional capacity — or lackthereof — at the time.
I don’t know if I could have handled a starving artist existence for long. I felt vulnerable during that time, and a computer career did provide for me well and got me through what could have otherwise been much more difficult years.
However later in life, there was so much difference between what I originally imagined that my life would become, and what it had become. What happened? What were the overarching themes that have led my life from then to now? Where am I now? Where am I going? That has been a pondering of this week beneath the work and the home and the busyness.
In high school and college I imagined being married to someone who was intelligent, kind, funny, artistic, and who liked and loved me as much as I liked and loved him. My point of view at the time was the relationship and family it created was paramount. All other considerations including vocations and hobbies would be important but a subset of what the relationship and resulting family needed.
In a turn of events art and stained glass became my hobby, Information Systems became my college degree, and Bay Area computer and publishing jobs became my profession. I even found a best friend that fit my picture perfectly, only now I was working in the computer industry, not as an artist. His engineering profession drew his time and computer profession drew mine. When a computer firm Borland bought the company I was working for, Ashton Tate, I ended up moving up the peninsula and finding a different job.
Long story short, I didn’t end up with that person and my heart was crushed. My vocational life took on a life of its own and became very consuming. It gave me sanctuary from a now gone relationship, but it seemed as much as I tried to keep my personal life the main thing, the vocation became the dominant influence.
I liked my vocation. I enjoyed my days, but my life felt out of balance. It seemed making money to pay life expenses became primary and my personal life always ended up on the back burner. Having no social life wasn’t what I wanted, but not having one brought no tangible short term consequences, whereas not having rent money definitely did.
Life became a pendulum back and forth. Security of a vocational focus but no personal life then commitment to personal life leading to compromises in income. The financial problems arose quickly diverted me back to a pleasant, but once again consuming job with personal life once again on the back burner.
I’ve had a good adult life. I’ve never been rich, nor have I sought it, but mostly I have had what I needed. I’ve liked my life. I’ve enjoyed the people I have encountered, and know I have made a difference for some of them. However, I’ve pondered the ongoing mystery year after year, then decade after decade why certain dreams never came true.
Intuitively, I knew that enough counseling would get to the bottom of it. I still believe it would. I am turning 61 next month. I have a pretty good idea what the overarching themes of my life have been, both the successes and the disappointments, but increased wisdom about the reasons for things doesn’t mean all the difficult things are easy to heal. Some probably never will in this lifetime. They are facets of my personality rather than something to fix and that is okay.
One of the greatest acts of self love I have found is to put down the belief that pleasing others as a defense mechanism is a pathway to self love. In the journey through all of the self-help books, seminars, church attendance, counseling, and friendship support, I stumbled over something more important than what I was originally seeking. I found myself.
If I one day found a permanent best friend, that would be wonderful. But it will be my choice, not thrust upon me by well-meaning third parties. If I remain single that would not only be okay, it would be wonderful also, because that is what my life is. I have learned to live it and it is a good life.