I have been getting a lot of signs and hints in my heart that I need to start planning my next move. To where I don’t know. Doing what I don’t know. What and where are boring questions to me. They used to be exciting, but they never last. One where became another where. One what became another what. What is interesting to me but more elusive is who. Who is there in the where? Who is there in the what?
I admit it, aside from engagement with family, my personal life feels on hold right now. I work, garden and sleep. I don’t socialize much, and I miss it. Family of origin is no little thing. I appreciate each one in my family and feel grateful for their presence there. Some are of great heart and inspiration, others tough love. Most are a complicated combination of both.
The family of origin plays a role, but individuals must actualize and go into their lives fearlessly and find love, and purpose. This includes one’s entire circle of friends and chosen community as well as the family one creates.
I thought I was on track doing that early in my adulthood. I could write a book about the good of my early adult life. The camping and hiking trips. The budding new vocation, community service activities lead to a healthy circle of friends. I was finding my voice. I felt on-track with life.
However, core issues don’t just go away when you reach early adulthood. I had and have a lot of positive qualities that harmonize well with others and with life. And I had and have some quirky qualities. I noticed how my quirky qualities would interfere with friendships. I didn’t know what I didn’t know so it felt I had no way to grow myself.
To be honest, I was still thought I was good enough, and that despite quirkiness, I would rise to a good life, including loving relationships. I had my whole life to grow. Perfection isn’t necessary for friendship.
However, after primary male friend of my life moved on leaving me feeling heart-broken in a way I had never previously felt before. To be fair to myself, my quirkinesses weren’t the only factor. Vocational matters interfered. When a company purchased my company, I was forced to move, changing the dynamics of my professional and personal life. But for the fact that the relationship didn’t survive that, I of course blamed myself. It must be something about me. I lost my confidence.
I learned how deeply unable to handle that kind of grief I was. It suddenly felt wrong to be optimistic. It turned out I wasn’t enough after all so how could I possibly manifest a good love-filled life? Further engaging with my spiritual life, as well as writing and art became my solace.
I continued to do okay in life in the traditional sense. I have a good work ethic so continued in my vocation. I continued communing with my other friends. But that life is different than having a partner you love. Life felt more like rearranging furniture in an abandoned house. The primary friend had left so the life had left.
As I write and re-read this, a glaring question comes up. Why did I not simply find someone else once I’d had some time to heal? In all this time, it seems that would have been possible if it has been a priority. Therein lies one of the mysteries of life. It isn’t that I didn’t have choices, and that at times I was actively looking. My spirit was always whispering not this door, not that door. I was tempted to just go through one anyway but deep down, I felt the voice I was following was guiding me well and with purpose.
Living through the eyes of fictional characters in the manuscript which eventually became Eva’s Journey helped me work through my feelings and therefore recover my psyche, confidence and my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself since then. One plug for the spiritual journey is it helps you over a long period of time understand yourself and your place in the world. This serves in the process of self-actualization.
Life got better because I got better… not perfect, but better. I don’t fall in the same psychological potholes, or give my valuable time and energy to that which doesn’t serve the Highest. I sought and seek to act virtuous and avoid vice not to please and appease the loud voices of the ‘you shoulds’ from society around me, but because in my core I understood evolution of my character and life depended and depend on it. Many are helpful, and some are not so it is also important to protect your heart.
I’ve learned to love more unconditionally, and maintain healthy boundaries. I give thanks in my heart every day to the individuals who have at every stage of my life who stood apart from the crowd and have been there as shining light of what is possible. To do so is their nature, and they felt like a best friend in good times and a drink of water as I walked through the desert. Despite the particulars of their religious affiliations, they are a testament to what the process of self-actualization is. Regardless of how my personal life evolves from this point, I aspire to be that.
Living in grace as I walk in community with others… the journey of all journeys.
