In the above picture I was in middle school and had just had a bone tumor removed from my right knee.
What I couldn’t control:
I had a tumor that if cancerous could cost me my leg or life.
What I could control:
I could control my response to the situation and what I learned from it. After some difficult and scary days, it turned out to be benign. I’d discovered it in time. Thanks to my mother for correctly guessing quickly that my oddly behaving knee needed medical attention.
More recently in the last couple of years I once again had a cancer health scare. I almost didn’t get a colonoscopy because it seemed I was not in a high risk category. I got it anyway. One of the two polyps was large enough that the doctor said it would have become cancerous ‘soon.’ I am not sure how soon ‘soon’ was, but am grateful I don’t have to find out because both polyps were removed.
Health is one dimension that can potentially up-end a life, but on the flip side, much can be learned from those very raw moments when facing such times.
In addition to health scares, violence in the community also makes me feel raw. Normally, I have protected my spirit from the violence and pains of the world, but this week it got in a little. I grow weary from the violence in the news, and in the communities. I have written three full blogs today then deleted them. I am not sure what to say because my personal experience is in flux. I will go with the ambiguity of the moment and rest there.
On a personal level, I feel changes are coming, and I have learned to be patient to wait for what isn’t known to reveal itself. Unlike in my twenties, I no longer feel like a leaf in the wind blown by the winds around me. The unknown is not scary to me because I have found sometimes it means an updraft is occurring and patience yields better results than action on incomplete information.
In the meantime, in the midst of the rawness and flux, it is also the holiday season. I’m sending love to my friends who participate the same Christian traditions as me, and all others regardless of which traditions they heed.
I have been deeply carved by the love of my own spiritual traditions and yet some of the most impactful mentors, authors, and friends have been those of other traditions. The love in my heart today and always extends to all of them.
I don’t know what is in a heart of another, but I know what is in mine. If I can’t create world peace single-handedly, at very least, I seek to keep my heart contributing love to the cause. Then I know in the ups and downs of this crazy, violent, unpredictable world, I’ve done my part.
I can’t say I am not invested in wanting particular outcomes:
Less war, more healthy, happy children
Less violence, more access to education
Less poverty, more compassion
Less fear, more love
Less geo-political turbulence, more deescalations and peace
Fewer powerful people engaging vice, more powerful people engaging virtue
One of the reasons I appreciate my own and the other major spiritual traditions is that they advocate for these things.
Sometimes the river of life runs straight predictably. Sometimes the river turns. Maybe the biggest difference between 20 year old me, and 60 year old me is knowing and not fearing that fact. Yet that awareness is good. I don’t waste time on what I can’t control, which gives me more time to spend on what I can.
That one little shift above all the others has made the most profound difference.